Girls should come with a carfax report
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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