so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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