you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
