im drinking this country out of the recession.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
