The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
