i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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