her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
