just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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