I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
