I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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