seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
