Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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