u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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