Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
