3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
