It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
