Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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