I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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