So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
