Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
