She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
