Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
