I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
