I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am midnight drunk by noon
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can't put those talents on a resume
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
