New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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