Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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