I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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