you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
