you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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