put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
