She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
