He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Found the puke drawer
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
