you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
