my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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