I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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