Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
