if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
