Are we in a gay sports bar?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
