I want to have your abortion
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
