Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
