I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
