I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize