I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
