Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
