I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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