Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
