Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize