Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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