she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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