Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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