Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize