If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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