just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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