Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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