I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
