Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
