so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
