Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
