you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
