I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm just crazy horny about you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize