Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I skipped work to stalk him.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
