That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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