It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
